Abused as Child ~ I Don't Wish to be Gay Anymore

I am a young male. I have a devastating issue for which I seek your advice. I have been struggling with homosexual desires from I became aware of my sexuality. It has plagued me right throughout my childhood into my adult years.

I used to lock myself away and cry, and many times I became depressed. It has significantly affected my self-esteem. I do desire females and have taken advantage of it during my early teenage years.

  • SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS

I had heterosexual encounters, but I have never been in love with a female. I was sexually abused by my male neighbour, who was about 18 years old at the time and I was about six or seven, but I have never shared it with anyone until I was an adult.

I opened up to a few friends, but I never disclosed it to my parents. Many times I wonder if my early exposure to homosexuality may have contributed to my homosexual desires now.

As time progressed, the feelings got even stronger, and I would admire males. I eventually had my first encounter with a male. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but the desire didn't leave.

  • CHRISTIANITY

I am a Christian, and I know that homosexuality is not normal. So even though I got involved, I tried not to get into a relationship of that nature.

I questioned God many times as I cried, asking Him why I had to have this desire. I also had low self-esteem and felt that I could never have a girlfriend.

However, I made an effort to stimulate my thoughts with heterosexual thoughts and would constantly tell myself that I was not made by God to be a homosexual; it is abnormal.

I want a good Christian life with a wife, and I would constantly encourage my gay associates not to limit themselves to homosexuality.

  • FEMALE ATTRACTION

I eventually fell for a female who I knew from I was at university. She has a bright future, and she seems to love me. What makes it more encouraging is that I have sexual desires for her, so it means that I was not made for a man.

I am an ambitious guy who knows I will make a great family man, but I do struggle with homosexual desires. I have also become a frequent consumer of pornography, especially the gay ones.

I have met men who are married and those with girlfriends and also sleep with men. That's not the life I want for myself.

As time progresses, I hope this relationship with the female will flourish and that I may want to marry her and have a family.

  • SUICIDE THOUGHTS

I considered suicide many times, as a child. I've waited very long before I approached any female because I thought my life was hopeless. I have prayed daily.

Many guys out there are going through similar problems. What really puzzles me is the fact that I am uncertain if it is my early exposure to homosexuality that causes me to develop the desire, or I may have had it and the exposure just made it stronger.

Please, give me your advice.